Reader 1: A few of my business clients and co-workers with whom I have a collegial relationship have friended me on Facebook. Anyone who scrolls through my feed sees pictures of my dogs and other mundane details of my life. I’m not posting about politics or other sensitive issues, and I tend not to “friend” clients who do. I would never post anything about my boss, my work situation or any personal stuff that I wouldn’t want the world to know.
My husband, however, constantly points out that I should not have any friends on social media who are my clients.
Here’s the kicker: He has Facebook-friended some of my co-workers because he thinks they’re cool and interesting. When I object, he says he doesn’t have the same conflict with my co-workers that I do with my clients. But honestly, I think it’s a huge overstep. I turn down Facebook requests from anyone associated with his work because I feel it’s too cringey. What are your thoughts?
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Karla: One thing I know about social media is that it’s great at creating conflicts even where none should exist.
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In some professions — think financial services, the military, health care — a stray comment or photo can reveal damaging details about deals, security or client confidentiality, exposing sensitive inside information to anyone who knows what to look (or phish) for. Employers in those professions usually have social media policies to prevent that from happening.
Even if your employer has no such restrictions, your husband has a point about the risks of mixing personal and business contacts. If a client whose friend request you declined sees you have accepted an invitation from another client, it can lead to concerns about favoritism and unequal service. That’s why many social media users find it safer to draw hard lines by declining requests from current clients, setting up separate public and private accounts or keeping all their work connections corralled on LinkedIn.
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But for some businesses, personal online connections with clients may bring more benefit than risk. For example, my real estate agent and hairstylist have friended me on Facebook; my therapist has not, presumably for professional ethics reasons. (Presumably.)
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Meanwhile, your husband is wrong if he thinks there’s no potential conflict in his connecting with your co-workers. He may not have trade secrets to spill about your employer, but his postings and comments can color your reputation among your colleagues, especially if they don’t find him equally “cool and interesting.” I would treat his Facebook schmoozing with the same degree of caution as bringing him to a work-sponsored event with an open bar.
Your husband has the right and obligation to speak up the first time he thinks you’re overlooking something. You have the right to consider his concerns, determine for yourself whether your client interactions are appropriate and decline to discuss the topic further. He needs to respect your professional judgment on how you manage your work relationships — especially ones he insists on inviting himself into. And maybe, instead of telling the goose what’s good for her, the gander needs to find cooler colleagues of his own to flock with.
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Reader 2: My husband interrupts his colleagues, and it drives me crazy. I learned about this during the pandemic when we were both working at home. Now that he’s mostly in the office, we cross paths during the workday only once or twice a week. But when I hear him during work calls, I cringe.
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His family is talkative, and their conversations often overlap, so he’s used to interrupting and being interrupted. I call it out when he interrupts me, since I don’t like it, and he has gotten better about it at home.
In fairness, I don’t know how often he interrupts at the office, so I don’t know how he’s perceived. Since he’s an executive, I imagine his employees don’t feel comfortable objecting.
Should I mind my own house and let his employer take care of any issues in the office? Or do I say something without understanding the entire picture?
Karla: On the one hand, as I said above, spouses of successful professionals should generally trust them to know how to handle their jobs. Just as your husband comes from a family of chaotic conversationalists, he may have gravitated to a profession where filibustering is the accepted way to get things done. Not an environment I could tolerate, but good on him for making it to the top — and for making the effort to stifle that behavior off the clock with you.
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On the other hand: Early in my career, I received an out-of-the blue apology from an intimidating colleague who had snapped at me. He later said his wife had been chiding him to be more patient with others. We had a much better work relationship from then on, for which his wife has my eternal, anonymous gratitude.
So this may be a case where you’re in a position to point out things in your successful spouse’s blind spot: “May I share an observation? Earlier, it sounded as though you were talking over people in your meeting the way you used to do with me. I know you’re excited and don’t want to lose your train of thought, but do you ever worry people might resent it or not feel safe pushing back?”
This might land better if you save it for a time when he’s complaining about a relevant work matter, such as a communication breakdown or lack of innovation. Or you could just randomly mention how much you appreciate his curbing his steamrolling habits with you, and how valued and respected it makes you feel. It could trigger a reward center in his brain that he decides to replicate in the workplace.
Reader Query: How do you handle connecting on social media with your clients and co-workers? Success and disaster stories welcome at karla.miller@washpost.com.
